Stronger Than I Think

Heading to on vacation to an all-inclusive resort made me very nervous weight-loss wise. I've been losing weight but I'm not exactly bikini ready. I forget where I read this but when losing weight it can take your mind a lot longer to see the weight gone. When I first started seeing the numbers going down I didn't really believe the previous statement. But now that I'm inching (pun intended) closer and closer to that 20 pounds loss mark I think I can see some validity to it. In my mind I'm still that starting number my clothes have just magically gotten bigger.

And although that encompasses a large part of my worrying, there was so much more than that causing my nervousness.

I started really strictly tracking and monitoring my meals in January. And as the charts show, it's made a difference. For years I've  had difficulty with consistently eating balanced meals. I like to control things so one way I do is by limiting how much I eat. Several years ago I had some medical problems and my doctor gave me heck for my poor eating habits. I had gotten better after I started dating Jon but I still couldn't allow myself to eat 3 meals a day. Once I started tracking everything in January I realized on a typical, average day I eat 600-800 calories a day. Definitely not enough. An overweight person that doesn't eat a lot; that doesn't sound right. After doing some research I found it's really not a healthy lifestyle! So I've worked hard to change it. But it's not an easy one day fix! It's taking a lot of work to  convince myself that calories don't always equal weight gain and that there is a difference between good calories and crap calories.

With the help of myfitnesspal I've been doing great! I'm consistently eating enough calories each day and feeling good! My weight and inches are going down; clothes are fitting looser. At first I thought it was my imagination. But after trying on the bridesmaid dress in March that I ordered in December and needing it resized by a lot I was confirmed!

As I mentioned at the start of the post, vacation made me nervous about all the progress I've made. Tracking my food just seems normal now so the thought of going a whole week eating at buffets and not tracking worried me! I wasn't really concerned I wouldn't eat enough, but rather that I would eat too much! That and the combination of free drinks, I thought would guarantee my dress wouldn't fit on my friend's wedding day! I was also quite concerned about the free flowing alcohol. There's been times in my life where I've had alcohol abuse problems. I've come a long way but it's not something I talk about a lot and is something I became good at hiding from others. I won't go into details about it today but I would use alcohol as a numbing agent and often in place of food. Anyways, the last thing I wanted to do was embarrass my friend, her friends and family, or myself.

After spending all this time worrying about what ifs, it seems it was a waste of time! I was careful what I ate at the buffets and restaurants. I watched my portions, made healthy choices, and except for 1 time I never went for seconds or desserts. I watched myself with drinks and stopped before I needed to. The chambermaid left a large bottle of water in the room every day so I made it a goal to drink it all each day plus a glass or two at each meal and after every couple drinks.

We walked a lot every day so I was thankful for that plus we went on a hike through the rainforest during our zip lining adventure. But I was still worried about fitting into my dress so if I had 15-20 mins before I had to get ready to meet everyone somewhere, I quickly hit the floor in my hotel room and did some calisthenic exercises. And wouldn't you know it, my dress was considerably looser and could have used to be taken in a bit more. But I wasn't complaining!

But than I got home and starting seeing the photos from our trip pop up on facebook and I had a melt down. While I was there I felt like I looked good and looked like I had lost weight, but looking at those photos I thought I looked bigger than I had ever been! That and the jet lag made me into a huge emotional mess. Poor Jon had his hands full. He helped me calm down but I still wasn't excited to step on the scale! I decided the next morning that it was better to know how much weight I had gained since I left than worry about it so I did it. I thought maybe 3-4 pounds from my week of relaxation. It showed -2 pounds! It turns out that this healthy lifestyle I've been working on has become easier and more natural than I thought. And even though I've made bad choices in the past, that's the past. I'm stronger than that now.