Winter Challenge

I am fully aware of my sporadic posting on here. I have excuses... but that's all they are. Ever have times where you have lots to say but can't seem to find the words to type them out? Or perhaps the words are there but the courage or passion to write them is waning? I can sympathize with all of the above. But I'm trying to care so much about what people think or let them make me feel bad about what I think. SO with that being said... after much consideration and thought, I've decided to participate in a challenge put on my Amy over at life's Journey with a smile It's called...



So if you're up for a challenge head over there and sign up!

About My Birthday

So, yesterday was my birthday. The big 26. Can you put "big" in front of it if it's not a monumental birthday like 2-1 or 3-0 or so on? I hate birthdays. I really do. Always have. This year has so far been less mid-life crisis-y but who knows that might come still. Although this past year has been very reflective and worrisome, so perhaps that made up for it. Any rate, I'm glad it's over.

Is it just me or is it hard to not judge the importance of your friendships with others by the number of people who remember your birthday (all in thanks to facebook). I'm not saying not be friends with people who feel no desire to send you best wishes on your one day a year. But what measures do people put in place to determine whether or not to leave that wall message? There were people I haven't talked to in years or hardly even know who left a message. Then others who I at one time were pretty good friends with who didn't say a thing. When it comes down to it, it's not who remembers or who forgets your birthday but that you feel special and appreciated. I don't mean that in a vain and conceited way.  I really hope that the people who mean the most to me know, (all the time but especially on their birthdays) that they mean a lot to me and that I'm glad to have them in my life. I felt that way yesterday. So, thank-you.

I Heart Faces--Silhouette Challenge

I don't usually enter photo contests but for a while now I've been keeping an eye on I Heart Faces for a while looking for a weekly challenge that I could post a picture for. And this week caught my eye. The challenge topic is Silhouettes. This picture came to mind right away...

Go HERE to check out more entries from other people.

Me and Cars Don't Get Along

My poor father really wanted to have some boys in the family, but he had four daughters. Then the last one was a boy. My brother however lives with my mom and does not spend a lot of time out at my dad's doing boy things. While growing up to compensate for lack of a son, he tried as hard as he could to teach me all the things he would have taught an eldest son. I worked hard on the farm, whenever I would complain and whine that something was too hard, he's say any boy your age could do it. And sure enough I figured out a way to do it. I might sound like I'm complaining now, but it really is something I am grateful for. Helps me push myself to do things even now.

One thing my father thought was really important to teach me was to know my way around my car. That way if I ever had car troubles or needed to do some maintenance on it, I would know how to do it. Unfortunately I had/have no aptitude to learn anything car related! I sort of brushed it off when I was a teen, because I figured I'd just hire someone to do it for me. But the past several years I've been wishing that perhaps I had taken better notes.

Fast forward to today; I have recently purchased a car off my sister and went out today to pick it up. It's been sitting there for a few months and the battery seemed to have drained as the car refused to start. There was nobody home at the place and my mom drove me out (she's about as good with cars as I am). Not surprising her booster cables weren't in her van as she had lent them to my brother in-law and he hadn't put them back yet. So I suggested we drive a minute down the road to a small gas station/convenience store and see if they had any we could borrow. My mom said "Well... I don't know how to boost a car and I really don't want us to do it wrong and wreck my vehicle" I assured her I had done it several times before and if it made her feel better I could google it before hand. She agreed to let me try so off we went in search of cables.

The lady at the store didn't have any there. And she called a neighbor and theirs was in their other vehicle which was in town at that moment. It was starting to look like I'd have to head home and pick up a set of cables when this guy walks in. The clerk asked if he had any cables and he went to look.  He said I could borrow them and bring them back. So off we went to try. There was a paper with instructions on the booster cables so I followed them step by step. Man did I want to get that car running. If for nothing else then to prove to Mr. J that I'm not completely hopeless when he's not around.

The cables are connected, red on positive and black on negative, and I give it a try starting. Still no start, just makes a weird noise. So I check the cables to make sure they're connected securely. I try again. Nothing. So we call by brother in -law he walks us through it. I try grounding the black cable on a different spot on the van. Still nothing. We let it sit and charge for several mins. Nothing. So I give up for the day and decide to get Mr. J to come back out with me and help when he returns home from doing some work. We return the cables back to the man at the store (who has since left because we took so long, with the promise that he'd return soon to the store to pick up his cables).

But my mom has one last idea. Not too long ago she sorta dated a guy who lives two minutes from here plus his job is to work on machines, so he's great with cars. I was like "ehhhh I don't know. Like how did it end? Is he even going to want to come and help?" She said "oh yeah, let me give him a call." So she does. No answer. She figures he's probably outside. So what do we do. We just drive right over there and knock on his door. He answers and isn't in the most pleasant mood. He worked night shift the night before, and was still sleeping. At 2:00 in the afternoon. He agrees to come look at the car. So off we go down the road again.

We get everything set up and step-back so he can connect his cables from my car to mom's van. He says "oh we can't use your van, the battery is in a bad place in the motor and it's not good to do it because of the computer in the van." So he drives his truck closer. He grabs the cables to hook them off and first REMOVES THE PLASTIC COVERS off my battery!!!! Are you FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!!! Needless to say the car battery had no problem getting a boost and the car started with no problem after that. I like to think I'm not a COMPLETE air-head but some days it's really hard to debate that.

A Quick Update

Our life has been a bit hectic and chaotic lately so my posts have a been a tad intermittent. The latest change to our life... an additional person has moved into this already really full house. Two weeks ago my brother-in-law moved in. He moved across country from Ontario and is staying with us until he finds a job and gets on his feet. Although even after that he'd like to move out to a place with us. If you recall... we live in the basement suite at my mom's house, where I do the cleaning and cooking for the entire house. Along with home school my teenage brother. So adding another person (who is completely opposite of us in all ways) to the mix has proven to be a challenge. It's been an adjustment to all of us. Some more than others. But hopefully soon things will be smooth. I anticipate perhaps some confrontations before then though.

And before that I have a life long friend/cousin who is a few months older than me come up and visit. We've been friends our whole lives and take every possible opportunity to see each other. It was great seeing her but another reminder of how much I've changed since the last time I saw her 6 years ago.

This past week-end we had 11 people over for a thanksgiving dinner. Some of which was family and the rest was friends who didn't have any family nearby to celebrate it with. It was an odd group of people but it seemed like everyone had a good time. Lots of work to make that much food! But now I think I'm full until Christmas.

Speaking of which I have a confession to make... I've fallen off the work-out wagon again. I know! horrible! I seriously need to get my butt in gear. I've still been doing some hiking, biking, and walking. But not as much as I'd like and not as much direct cardio (running, workout videos). So that will have to change soon! So there's my update. Hopefully it won't be that long till the next post! But I hear my brother slackin on the homework... so back to crack the homework whip!

The moral of the story.... don't hand me scissors

So remember that one time when Mr. J and I butchered my hair? I tried to style in such ways that I could have it grow out before getting fixed. But it was bad. real bad. Looked in the mirror and all I saw was a mullet! Which some people can rock, but I totally cannot. So I bit the bullet and went to a hairdresser. Armed with the story that "my friend" cut it and "she" messed up. That way if mr j ever wants to go there they wouldn' t know it was him to cut my hair.

The ladies there kept commenting on how badly cut my hair was and how my friend really didn't know what she was doing at all. And yes, how I had the makings of a mullet. The hairdresser tried to save as much length as she could but it's still pretty short. Which I expected. And I hated it. I got home and cried because I thought it looked so bad. I have since embraced it and think it doesn't look horrible. I'd like to say I haven't since entertained thoughts or imagined ways of cutting my hair again; but alas I still want to. I do think though that after reminiscing of the horror that was this past hair cutting attempt, I will perhaps enlist the help of my mom and mr j next time. ;)

Being A Friend To Myself And To Others

I think of myself as a private person. I know, kind of an oxymoron to have a blog yet see myself the way I do. But my blog often feels more like a persona. Much like my roles at my past jobs has been more of a "character" that I play. Unless you've known me for a while; or I'm family, I'm very quiet and shy. I prefer to stick to myself and avoid social situations.



I used to be quite the social butterfly though. Back when I buried the things that bothered me so deep no one knew they existed, and instead portrayed various masks of who I wanted people to think I was. I moved away and made new friends, continuing in my façade. Until I realized how important it was to  deal with things and be "real". But the real me is shy and slightly insecure. She prefers to watch things from the outside. And convinces herself it's ok to have a small or minimal group of friends.

Since I've moved back to my hometown, people I used to be friends with and hang out all the time are happy to see me and want to pick up where we left off. I didn't tell many people that I moved back, but as news does in small towns, it traveled quickly. Now quite a few "old friends" know I'm back and would love to see me. The problem is I'm not the same person I was back when they knew me. And I have a hard time not being insecure about my weight gain or my changed personality.

I have tried to make some new friends and re-acquaint myself with old friends the past couple years. But I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Perhaps I'm too low maintenance and not pushy enough.  I tried to be more assertive and make plans with people. But then I got canceled on. I was just finally making a couple new friends with some really amazing people, and then we moved.



Don't get me wrong. I'd love to have lots of blogger friends. It's easier to face rejection online then face-to-face. Sometimes. In the next week and a half I have three separate "old friends" who want to get-together with me. Deep down I know I'm thrilled to have people who want to hang out. But I'm still pretty nervous.

But I guess it's like that quote by David Foster Wallace: "You'll worry less about what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do." I'm sure if they're good friends, they won't be nearly as critical on me as I am myself. I'm learning to love myself, they can learn to love me too! :)

I Should NEVER Cut My Own Hair

Do you know what's a bad idea? Having a few drinks and then deciding to cut your own hair. I have a really bad history of cutting my hair when I haven't had any alcohol to drink, never mind after having a couple. Mr. J always cringes when he peaks into the bathroom and sees me looking into the mirror and holding the scissors. He says he always knows how it's going to end; me periodically yelling "Oh no!" or "Ahhh!" Or "Crap!!" And then I get mad at myself for attempting to cut my own hair, and ruining it.

It almost always turns out horrible but twice my bangs ended up looking completely disastrous! I wouldn't like how they looked so I'd try to fix it. Then just try to tweak it a bit more. And before I knew it my bangs were an inch and a half long and standing straight up! I had to wear hand bands or a hat for two months! Till they were finally long enough that they looked normal. Did I mention I cut my hair often, like every two months. You'd think I'd learn right?

Well I sort of got smarter. I started convincing Mr. J to cut my hair. The first two times I loved it! So the other night while waiting for Mr. J to come home from working night shift, I decided to cut my hair when he got home.

He goes into the bedroom to change and comes out to find me in the bathroom with scissors in my hand.

"What are you doing?!?! Don't cut your bangs! You know how it'll turn out!"

I said "Fine then. You cut them."

Begrudgingly he agrees to. I get the hair set up and show him how I want him to cut it. There are layers in it so I want him to trim the top one. He cuts it and I really like how it looks, so I decide he should cut the rest of the layers while he's at it. He begins the second one. I'm a little nervous but I've like how he's done it in the past so I figure it will turn out fine. He states he is finished that layer and steps back. I look into the mirror and gasp! The one right side is 2 inches longer then the left side! Mr. J claims it looked straight when he was doing it. If I want he can fix it. By now I'm freaking out. I decided to just do it myself. So off I go chopping away. It gets shorter and shorter and still not the same length.

Finally it looks as even as I am going to get it. I look at it as a whole.... and almost cry. It is THAT bad. It looks so horrific that all I would have to do is cut the top layer really short and I would have a mullet. Needless to say I am freaking out. There is no hairstyle I can wear it in where it doesn't look bad.So looks like I am going to have to find a hairstylist in town here and hope they can fix it so I can return to going in public without having to wear a hat.

I'd like to say I learned my lesson. But check back with me in two months.

My Sister's Wedding

Well, the wedding has come and gone; we all survived. The days up to it were pretty busy. Seems the closer to the date we got the more things I was asked to do for it. In hindsight I really don't mind doing so much for my sister's wedding. At the time I wasn't all that thrilled. But seeing how much she loved her day and appreciated all our work, makes it all worthwhile. Plus Mr. J and I got to take all the pictures for her wedding so that was great! I've wanted to do something like this for some time now. I learned a lot about taking wedding pictures and even more about editing them. I still have SO much to learn, but Mr. J is really pushing for me to pursue photography. So that means I get to take a course in it! Here's a few of my favorite pictures from the week-end. Any comments you have would be great!

Some of my most favorite pictures from the week-end were ones that were natural. That I just happened to be taking a picture at that moment.

Of course, I did enjoy asking them to try different poses for me. Most of which they weren't too comfortable trying but did anyways, for me.

But I love that most of them were natural poses. Sometimes I wondered if they knew I was even there taking pictures.

My Dad and my step-sister's baby

I tried to do some artsy dress pictures. Did they work?

I'd add more pictures but no one in my family except Mr. J know about this blog. So I don't want to add their pictures without their permission. I know that my sister and my dad wouldn't have a problem with it. So what do you think? Not too bad for Mr. J and I's first time taking pictures for a wedding. The important thing is that M loves them!

A Part Of History

Can something be nostalgic if you've never experienced it before? Last week-end Mr J. and I went on a day date to the city. We spent the day enjoying each other's company while we took our time spending too much money, browsing stores, and finding hidden geocaches. One thing I have always wanted to do was go to a drive-in movie theater.

[caption id="attachment_100" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="I took a picture but it was on my cell and didn't turn out nearly this well. Plus there wasn't this many classic cars at the theater we went to."][/caption]

We were going to a few times when we lived in Saskatchewan still but in our old car the radio didn't work and we didn't know you could rent radios. I'd been watching the upcoming movie schedule at the drive-in movie theater in the city and last week-end they were finally playing two movies that we both wanted to see; Karate Kid and Grown-Ups.

We were so excited! We got there early and made sure to grab some snacks. Found a great parking spot, parked the car on the gravel pile just so. And then we had to wait till dark. So we people watched. And laughed at the owners of big trucks who tried to park in the front two rows and then were asked to move.And finally it was dark enough to start the movie!

There's just something about going to a drive-in movie. Made me feel like I was a part of something that has been going on for a long time. I could just imagine all those greasy-haired teenagers back in the 50's in their hot rods parked and waiting for the movie. Or perhaps I've just watched Grease too many times. It kind of reminded me of looking at something that is old like a building or tree and thinking if it could talk, what it has all seen in it's lifetime. And then feeling a little part of that history because you were there.

Any rate drive-in movie theaters are a dying out attraction. If you're in Canada you can locate the nearest one at this website . I believe there is also America theaters on that website as well. What makes you feel nostalgic?

The Post Where I Whine About Being Sore

[caption id="attachment_85" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="This is my most favorite picture from the day. Mr. J and Little O"][/caption]

I learned a lesson today. Jillian Michael's + Hiking = pain

I had been wanting to climb this mountain for a few weeks now but something always came up and we didn't have the time to. Mr. J is working the evening shift this week so if we want to do anything we have to before he leaves for work. So this morning I got myself out of bed and announced we were going hiking. We packed our two dogs, my brother's dog, and my brother into our small car and off we went. Our adventure started even before we reached the parking spot half way up the mountain, as our car decided to overheat. So we pulled over and walked the extra way. My legs were screaming at me! It felt like I'd been whacked across the calf muscles with a bat or something. But I kept going. Telling myself of how fabulous I need to look in that dress! Plus I knew the view at the top would be worth it.

It was pretty hot out so we took many breaks on the way up. The dogs didn't seem to notice or run out of energy. (p.s. oh Mr. J and his socks pulled up)

[caption id="attachment_87" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Mr. J and Butch"][/caption]

Butch had to get in on the picture action

[caption id="attachment_90" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="My house is out there somewhere..."][/caption]

After living in the prairies for so long, sometimes BC with all it's mountains and trees can me feel claustrophobic from the lack of 360 degree views.

This totally remedied it.

I'm all sometimes about keeping it real. So in light of my effort to love my body at every stage it's at; I'm posting these two pictures of myself.

Sans make-up.

And I forgot to suck in my tummy and look thin.

And I really have been trying to tan this summer.

You can't tell from my pasty skin.

Oh and did I mention I didn't capture my best angles.

Or that my shorts aren't flattering?

But I digress.

What was my point? Oh yeah... you know that saying "No pain. No gain"? Well I'm in a lot of pain. So I'm expecting a lot of gain!

***(BTW I really did have a good time on the hike. And felt really good after. I just move slower now. But hopefully I'm not still sore on Sunday. I have another mountain in mind to climb.)

Getting Dress Ready

Disagree with me if you want, but I'm not much of a girlie girl. At least I don't see myself as one. The only time I buy dresses is for something that requires one. Case in point... the last dress I bought was for a graduation. The dress I bought before that was for a friend's wedding, the dress before that was for my wedding. So if you do the math, that equals one dress a year. But even with that I usually only wear them once. So when my sister asked me to be in her wedding this August, I thought well here's my yearly dress. Then it was oh no. here's my yearly dress.  I kind of wanted to put off buying new clothes until I reached my goal weight. And even though I am still losing weight every week it will be a little longer still till I get there. But we are now two and half weeks away from the wedding and I just ordered my dress yesterday. I can't help it if I'm not good at picking a dress. Or that all dresses are made for people who are so thin they disappear when they turn sideways! This is the dress I ordered...

[caption id="attachment_76" align="aligncenter" width="490" caption="From Victoria's Secret"][/caption]

So now the count down is on. I have two and a half weeks to be dress ready. I seem to have misplaced my 30 day shred video! I was like Jillian! I need you! When we were in walmart last weekend we went over to the dvd section and there staring at me from the shelf was the answer to all my dress body worries.
It was a dvd pack that contained this gem:

[caption id="attachment_78" align="aligncenter" width="201" caption="Following photos are from Jillian Michael's Website"][/caption]

I LOVE this dvd! I haven't made it the 30 days yet. But I definitely notice a difference in my muscle tone after doing this one for a bit.



I never tried yoga before. But this one has really good reviews. I have to get a good yoga mat first but perhaps I'll give it a shot one of these days.



And this one.... I tried this one last night at midnight while I was waiting for Jon to come home from work. Her 30 day shred video is 20 mins long... by the time it's almost finished I'm glad... sometimes I do some more cardio after but usually I call it good. But this baby is 45 mins long! We're not talkin breaks and slow parts. We're talking high intensity intervals, one after another. But I loved it! Some of the moves I was like not likely when I watched her do it first, but it was actually easier then I thought. A few moves I was like not a chance, but perhaps in a week or so I'll give it a shot. And other moves I seriously couldn't get enough of. She incorporates more kick boxing moves into this video. So that is really awesome. So I guess time will tell. But I better sign off... it's almost time for dinner and the way my muscles are complaining today, I think the stairs are going to take a while to get up...

Boys Smell Funny

This past weekend Mr. J, my brother, and my soon-to-be brother-in law went with my dad and his friend to the ocean to go fishing. Mr. J doesn't like to take trips without me but this one was strictly a guys trip. The boys were so excited, they talked of nothing else for the week leading up to it. I was excited too. I couldn't wait for the house to be quiet! I ate what I wanted to eat (read: meals not containing 98.9% meat), I watched what I wanted to on the tv. I even went to the city and went shopping. All in all a pretty good weekend. Usually my sister and her fiancé do almost everything together, so while he was gone her and I got to spend some time doing things. We went to the city together, hung out, and rode the bikes around on two evenings. But each day that got closer to their return one thought kept playing over in my head...

I HAVE TO PICK THEM UP! Just imagine six guys crammed into a truck for a 7 hour drive one way... that would smell a bit funky. Then they spent three days getting covered in fish guts, drinkin, and a few of them smoke. Did I mention they didn't shower? And then cram back into the truck for a 7 hour drive back. They were going to smell something special. I went through the options. I could "fall asleep" and have my dad have to drive them home. I could drop our car off and have my sister drive me back, then they can drive themselves. OR... the best option, I borrowed my mom's van and went out to pick them up. I figured it's a larger vehicle so their smell might not stink the vehicle up right away; there is more windows we can open if it gets too bad for me. And it's not my vehicle so it shouldn't smell the next day after the hot sun beats down on it. muahahaha!

But much to my surprise and delight I couldn't smell them! I tried not to take deep breaths but I was expecting an overwhelming smell and there was little to none! But then again maybe I got used to it. Because on the way home there was a police roadblock and normally they ask a million questions and this time I thought for sure they would.

They said "What's in the cooler?"

I said "Fish. They just got back from a fishing trip."

The guy backs up a bit and says "Are they tagged?"

I said "Yep all of them. "

He said "Ok carry on."

If you want my opinion... I think perhaps the smell was so bad from the vehicle they didn't want to stop us longer. Otherwise they would have for sure searched the cooler and looked at the fishing licenses! That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

At least they had a good time and enjoyed themselves.

Mr. J and one of his catches

I'm Not A Fan Of Wrong Numbers

Several years ago, I had a friend, we'll call him Bob**. I sort of knew Bob's parents, but I called them Mr and Mrs Smith out of respect. One day Mr. Smith fell off a horse and was in the hospital so I figured the thoughtful thing to do would be to send flowers. A few weeks go by and I completely forget about it. At the time I was working at a grocery store as an acting supervisor. The customers were inconsistent so it was difficult to take breaks so we took a minute here and there when we could. I would sporadically check my cell for missed calls and texts. On this particular day I kept missing a call. I did not recognize the number even though it was local. And I HATE getting wrong numbers. So I finally got annoyed with this number calling and missing it so I decided to call them back. If someone had typed a transcript of the conversation this is how it might have looked:

Ringing.... Ringing....
Male's Voice: Hello?
Me: Um hi someone from your number keeps calling me. I'm sorry but you have the wrong number. So please stop calling.
Male's Voice: No, I don't have the wrong number
Me: Sorry but yes you do
Male's Voice: *moment of silence* This is Bill
Me: Who?
Male's Voice: Bill
Me: ***quiet for a bit*** I don't know a Bill
Male's Voice: Mr. Smith... Bob's dad
Me: OOOOO I am SO sorry
***awkward silence***
Male's Voice: ***holding back chuckles*** I was uh just calling to say thanks for the flowers.
Me: Umm you're welcome.

I don't remember how it ended but I just know I felt like a huge tool. And that definitely wasn't the end of it. Needless to say that was the last "wrong number" I have ever called back. Speaking of which... the phone just rang. It was a wrong number. I'm not making this up. I better go call back and prank them.

**All names have been changed to protect the innocent. Or those embarrassed to have known me.

Learning To Love How I Look

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Photo Credit: We Heart It @ http://weheartit.com/entry/612725"][/caption]

What motivates you? I am my own worst enemy. I feel like my parents put a lot of expectations on me growing up. And in time I have done the same. That's why this whole weight-loss thing has been such an ordeal. I used to be super thin because I didn't believe I deserved the right to eat. Plus my whole life felt like it was in constant turmoil and not eating was the only thing I felt I had any control over. I know now that this is a very ridiculous mind-set and not at all healthy emotionally or physically. I saw a counselor and worked through everything and learned to enjoy eating and food. Then about a year later I look in the mirror and I've gained 60 pounds. I don't remember gaining weight. But there I was.

So from that moment on it felt like I've been in a struggle between losing weight, being hard on myself, and learning to accept and love what I have. I thought I was doing pretty good. Got into a work out schedule, changed my eating habits. Then we moved.Closer to my family.  And one thing you gotta love (and hate sometimes) about family is their honesty. I think my family has been pretty honest. For example, on days when it's hot if I mention ice cream or an iced capp would be really nice about now; they mention how I don't really need it, it'd just be extra weight to burn off. Or they might poke my stomach and say "hey chubby". Not always the most helpful comments. The harder I am on myself the more down I am about my progress thus far, and the less I feel like working out. But when I am running my heart out on the treadmill I play over and over in my head everything they've said about my weight that's hurt. And then it's Bye Bye Pounds!!

So I guess I do have them to thank for my weight loss of 30 pounds so far. I've still got 30 more to go. Slowly with each shed pound I'm learning to love how I look not because it makes other people happy. But because I am happy about it!

What Makes A Good Friend?

After highschool and in college, I had quite a few friends. Not those ones where you know their first names and have mutual friends in common. But the ones you could hangout with whenever and do nothing and still have a great time. The ones who knew your secrets and told you theirs. Those kinds of friends. Then at a time  when I felt loneliest and like I could use a friend the most, they were gone. Just like that. Actually it didn't happen quite as sudden as that... they "cut me out" of the group. I fought to stay in for a little bit but not long. I decided I didn't need friends like that anyways. Slowly but steadily I've come to the conclusion that I must be really difficult to be friends with, because I don't have many at all. Not like I used to. I know you lose friends when you get married but I thought they were supposed to be replaced with other people who are at the same place in their life that you are. So I've decided that it's not them, it's me. I mean that's the only logical explanation right?

Am I too independent? Perhaps I should be more needy and agressive when trying to build friendships. Should I introduce myself and share a deep dark secret... you know throw the whole trust thing in right away. Maybe that's my problem... I don't trust easily enough. Or do you think I should pretend to be someone I'm not? Someone that everyone wants to be or be friends with. I think we're a little past kindergarten where we'd walk up to people on the playground and ask if they want to be our friend. Or am I the only one who did that at that age?

I was really shy; ok still am. And my mom said every morning when she dropped me off to make friends and just ask people to be my friend. So one day I worked up the courage and walked up to this girl who was on a tire swing. I said "Hi! Do you want to be my friend???" And she said "No thanks. I already have a friend." Kindergartners can be so cruel. Is there something about a person that makes them more "friend-attractive"? If so, I don't think I have it. Maybe one day I will. Or perhaps I'll be in the old folks home when I'm 88 asking people to be my friends.

This post is kind of depressing. But I really didn't mean it to be. I know I'm a great friend to people. I'm caring, loyal, and thoughtful. I've just got to keep being me, and one day those will be attributes that someone wants in a friend. :)

Learning From Those Who Are Wiser

When I was little I had a great relationship with my grandpa. Unfortunately he died when I was 11. The only other grandparent I had left alive was my grandma on my mother's side. She lives in the same small town as us and when we were growing up we saw her quite often.

When I was in grade 6 and 7 my class at school visited the local senior citizen's home and spent many an afternoon hanging out together. We were told that it is so very important to spend time with the elderly; we could learn so much from them and vice versa. I grew up with that mentality. I had an elderly lady friend who knew my family long before I was born, and a few times a month we would get together and have tea or read a book. This friendship went on for many many years. And whenever the opportunity arises I try to make friends with a senior citizen. They are so fascinating and view the world from a totally different perspective then I. Before our most recent move, Mr. J and I worked with an elderly couple at the company we worked at. We grew to really appreciate them and soon were getting together to share meals or play games. The other day they came to mind and I remembered how much we enjoyed spending time together with them and what we learned from them.

Which got me thinking about how we often hear about today's youth and their lack of interest in the elderly generation. We seem to think that learning family history is a dying interest to many youth. But thinking about my relationship with my grandmother, I wonder if there isn't two sides to the coin. Perhaps some of it is lack of interest by teens but I can't help but think that there seems to be a growing lack of interest by some elderly people as well. "Back in the day" weren't people influenced to a degree by the desire to make their family proud and not let down the family name? And now it doesn't seem as important.

My grandma though, she has never taken a real interest in me. She complains about how people never visit and how horrible her life is and how she's ready to die. But no matter how many times I visit, her outlook on life and family is always the same. I've tried getting to know her and for a while I visited her every day. But she could care less. To her I'm just someone who she can complain to about how crappy her life is.

So what is the problem? Is it primarily a lack of interest by teens? I don't think so. I think that yes, a lot of teens could care less about investing in the elderly citizens of this country but sometimes (and I'm not making a generalization, this is only sometimes) perhaps the elderly generation are tired of investing in the youth of this country.

How do I show my grandma I want to get to know her better? I don't  know. All I want is for her to take some pride in this family and to see the pride we have for it. I do know that I'm not going to let one bad apple spoil the bunch. For now I'll just continue investing my time and interest in those that would love to invest in me. And together we'll grow and learn from each other.

Getting Down And Personal

A few weeks ago I came across a list of questions that were a little deeper then they typical forward survey questions. I don't normally do those random surveys, never mind posting and sharing them for the whole world to read. But this one made me think and analyze myself a fair bit so I thought it'd be fun to share. It's from this website. and it's called 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Probably 20 years older than I am right now. So basically I’m my dad.


2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Failing is worse for sure! If I know I am going to fail at something then I’d rather not even attempt it.


3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Because life is so short, we don’t seem to learn lessons in time. So we (me anyways) am always living with one eye on hindsight. I have good intentions but feel that life goes by too fast for me to complete them or be organized enough to complete them.


4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? I honestly hope not but just in the sense that I have done what I have said I would do. If “actions speak louder than words” then I most definitely want to do more then I say.


5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? This is a really tough one. My first response was I’d like to eliminate pain and broken hearts. But often that is when character is built and when we learn the most about ourselves so if I could change something I would make sure that everyone who felt pain or hurt would have someone there with a hug that would comfort them and take all the pain away.


6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? This probably sounds like a lame answer but it’d be the work where I could be supporting and helping people. Whatever way that would be. I haven’t quite figured it all out yet of what makes me happy.


7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I might be doing a little of both but if I had to pick one it’d probably be settling for what I am doing.


8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would live with less fear and concern and be more adventurous and courageous.


9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? I think we always control the course our lives take in so many different degrees. I might not have completely controlled where my life has gone but I participated actively in getting there.


10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things and doing them right.


11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? Just mention that perhaps there is more to that person then we are aware of. And we should try to not be so concerned with their life and what we see on the outside. There could be a lot more going on. And try to move the subject onto other things.


12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Live your life from your heart. Love with your whole heart. Trust with the purpose of protecting your heart. And act with the intent of sharing your heart.


13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Depends on what I am saving them from. If it’s death then yes I would. If it’s their own stupidity that got them arrested and I am saving them from jail, then probably not.


14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Reminds me of watching someone paint a picture.


15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Fear


16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Better yet.... how come the things that make everyone else happy doesn’t make me happy?


17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? Graduated school for good. I keep telling myself that I made a wrong choice and then change what I am studying or not continue in that subject.


18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Fear, people,


19. If you had to move to a province or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Not sure where. But I’d like it to be really remote and beautiful.


20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? I do push it more than once. I like to think it makes it go faster but I know it probably doesn’t change the speed any.


21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Hahah well I am a worried genius already so I’d prefer to be a joyful simpleton.


22. Why are you, you? Because I don’t have the courage to be something else.


23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? In some ways yes, and in some ways no.


24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a good friend whether they are near or far.


25. What are you most grateful for? Mr. J


26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? I’d rather lose all my old memories


27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Maybe, but how do you know it’s the truth if you haven’t tested it first.


28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? No not yet


29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? If it mattered that much then, then it would probably matter that much now. But if the question is does it bother me now. Then the answer would probably be no.


30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? My Grandpa. My Grandpa.


31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? When I’ve been angry or hurt


32. If not now, then when? One day


33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? everything


34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Yes, that’s how you know you were with a good friend


35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because love can cause pain and confusion.


36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? A lot of things yes, but I don’t think everything is as cut and dry.


37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? If I hated my job or disliked it. That would probably be a good time to find a job I liked.


38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work I actually enjoy doing.


39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? No but I feel like I’ve lived this day years before.


40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? If this is referring to taking a risk when making a life decision; then more often then I should.


41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? Probably the people who mean the most to me. Or perhaps any people I had unfinished business with.


42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Not famous. I’d think about the attractive aspect but that would probably cause me to become really insecure about my appearance. So the answer would be no, I would not.


43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? You can be alive and be passive to everything around you. Or you can truly live and participate actively in your surroundings.


44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? I don’t know but I hope to find out one day.


45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Because although we can learn from mistakes, we can’t erase them.


46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Be myself


47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? When I had a chest cold?


48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love my husband and my family. I hope every day they do.


49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? Probably not exactly in detail what I did. But have an idea what I would have been up to.


50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Making them for myself and what’s right for my husband and I.

Age and Expectations

My husband and I have recently moved to my hometown. Previously I had spent 5 1/2 years living across Canada, moving often for school or work. To say it's been a big adjustment moving back would be an understatement. It also doesn't help that our decision to move was very quick and we didn't have the time nor the funds to find a place to live before we got here. So we are living in the basement suite in my mother's house. Not exactly where I had planned to be at this point in my life. With the recession and everything it just makes more sense to split the living costs with my mother. It helps us out and her at the same time. I was pretty embarrassed and felt like a failure for weeks. But the more blogs I read that are written by people my age the more I see how common this is becoming. Boomerang kids they're called. It's a lot harder these days to get started and become "successful" in societies standards. It's been nice living close/with family again. my siblings are all younger than me so I've missed out on a lot. I've been trying to make up for that and get to know the people they've become. I've changed a lot since the last time I called this town home. I have a few friends here that as much as I love them, haven't changed much and don't accept that I have changed. I'm a lot quieter, less adventurous, and more insecure. In all, a lot less fun.

I'm not too sure yet if that's a really bad thing. Is there a possible way to grow up and still be a lot of fun. Middle-aged adults always look at life like it's so serious. It doesn't sound like it becomes a lot of fun again until 80. Betty White being my prime example! Have you got it all figured out? Know how to "act adult" but still have a blast? I'd love some suggestions!

Time

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Every so often I am struck with the feeling that one day I will wake up and I will be 87; and not sure where the time has gone. And at that moment be filled with regrets or "what ifs" or and wondering if I am content with the paths I chose. I like to think that at that moment I will be mature and confident in my judgment and ability to make the best decisions for my life. But we only have one shot at this thing called life. I know of a few people, they're not 80 or anything; they're middle age and full of regret about where they are at this place in their lives.

That frightens me. I am stunted by my desire to make good choices so much so that I'd just rather not make decisions. Even though if you really analyze my life, I have made some pretty wise choices.  But I also could have made different, perhaps better ones as well.  This might just be a stage I am at in my adult development where I look at the past and consider the future and feel like this is the crucial time for wise choices.

Is there ever an age where we feel confident in life with no regrets or wonderings? If so, I'd love to reach that time period soon!

Every Adventure Starts Somewhere

So exactly three months ago to the day, I set up this blog. I had full intentions of writing in it right away and was very excited about this new area of my creativity. But I put so much pressure on myself to figure out what this space is going to look/read like, that I had self-induced writer's block. I analyzed, speculated, agonized, you-name-it... over why the words refused to flow from my finger tips. And nothin. I'm not new to blogging. I've been doing this for 6 years; on different platforms, for different reasons. But I want so badly to be "real" that I can't seem to actualize my realness. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but myself. But it feels like I am trapped inside myself and am unable to find the key. So here I go. On my journey to discover the key. Thanks for joining me on my adventure called life.