Being A Friend To Myself And To Others

I think of myself as a private person. I know, kind of an oxymoron to have a blog yet see myself the way I do. But my blog often feels more like a persona. Much like my roles at my past jobs has been more of a "character" that I play. Unless you've known me for a while; or I'm family, I'm very quiet and shy. I prefer to stick to myself and avoid social situations.



I used to be quite the social butterfly though. Back when I buried the things that bothered me so deep no one knew they existed, and instead portrayed various masks of who I wanted people to think I was. I moved away and made new friends, continuing in my façade. Until I realized how important it was to  deal with things and be "real". But the real me is shy and slightly insecure. She prefers to watch things from the outside. And convinces herself it's ok to have a small or minimal group of friends.

Since I've moved back to my hometown, people I used to be friends with and hang out all the time are happy to see me and want to pick up where we left off. I didn't tell many people that I moved back, but as news does in small towns, it traveled quickly. Now quite a few "old friends" know I'm back and would love to see me. The problem is I'm not the same person I was back when they knew me. And I have a hard time not being insecure about my weight gain or my changed personality.

I have tried to make some new friends and re-acquaint myself with old friends the past couple years. But I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Perhaps I'm too low maintenance and not pushy enough.  I tried to be more assertive and make plans with people. But then I got canceled on. I was just finally making a couple new friends with some really amazing people, and then we moved.



Don't get me wrong. I'd love to have lots of blogger friends. It's easier to face rejection online then face-to-face. Sometimes. In the next week and a half I have three separate "old friends" who want to get-together with me. Deep down I know I'm thrilled to have people who want to hang out. But I'm still pretty nervous.

But I guess it's like that quote by David Foster Wallace: "You'll worry less about what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do." I'm sure if they're good friends, they won't be nearly as critical on me as I am myself. I'm learning to love myself, they can learn to love me too! :)