It’s Winter

I hope my last post didn’t sound like I was complaining about the past 9 months! I absolutely adore this little creature I made and wouldn’t change anything.

We’ve had an interesting past couple weeks around here. It has been cold off and on (-30c some days). We’ve had lots of snow! We measured 4 feet! Some of that was from a massive snow storm that lasted a couple days.  It has since compressed and melted a bit. But it was a lot to deal with all at once. There is lots of snow for cross country skiing!

Few more months and that will look like a garden again!

So much snow; the truck just pushes it 

Side view of the roof. Once shovelled off, it blocks some of our windows it’s so deep! 

Challenging to walk through 

We’ve also had a few colds in the house. Seems like one or more of us has been sick at one time off and on for weeks. I think we’re finally all healthy! I hope! That calls for walks in the snow and making cookies.

Exercise and Body Image

Exercise and body image... man what a tricky balance. At least I find for myself. I’m always trying to eat healthier and exercise more; it feels like it’s something I’ve been struggling with for a long time. I think I’ve been doing better the last few years. I’m no where near my goal but I try and I respect myself for that and love my body for what it can do.

 I went into this past pregnancy not at my ideal anything. I had just had a traumatic miscarriage and was using exercise as part of my therapy. I found it so helpful for the 9 months I was pregnant this time. Exercise helped me calm some of the anxiety and feel like I was doing something to help everything go ok.

I was so proud of myself for working out almost every day and right up till my due date! I definitely think I was in the best shape I’ve been in probably 10 years! I have no doubt it helped me during the labor and recovery. But fast forward and we’re talking a baby who never slept and had weight gain issues, colic, reflux, lip tie, my hip was out and painful, etc. That sounds like a lot of excuses. I tried working out despite everything. I always had a hard time understanding the excuse from some moms of never having energy or time to exercise. But boy do I get it. For 7 1/2 months I held her for every nap and sometimes a lot of the night or she wouldn’t sleep. Plus then you get them used to it and you’re in trouble!

So we worked on it and now she’s sleep trained! Hallelujah! I could hear angels singing! The past couple months I’ve been going jogging with her in the stroller or workouts while she naps. Or cross country skiing and skating when the weather is nice or we’re not fighting colds.  I’ve got a long way to go. But mentally I feel so much better already. Maybe it’s the sleep or maybe it’s the exercise 😋. But she’s napping so I better get a workout in; she’s starting to walk now and I’ll need to step my workouts up if I’m going to keep up with her!

Life Lately

I first started a blog probably 14 years ago? I could figure out when but really it's not the point. Before that I had a journal I carried around a wrote in a lot. You could find me lost in thought writing in a coffee shop or park or my car all over one of the 4 provinces I've lived in. I've changed a lot since then and so has blogging. My favorite "era" of it was when "small" like minded bloggers would post about their lives and we'd bond over common interests and life experiences. I try to keep up reading a few bloggers from then. But find it challenging to find more. Plus I'm not terribly active as a blogger either. Which brings me to my point. I miss blogging. I've realized my Instagram post captions have been getting longer and longer and sometimes that's after I trim them down! Haha! The baby has been napping much better lately so I find myself with a few minutes to quickly eat and swallow back my cold coffee. I thought perhaps it might be fun to try to blog every now and then during my "me" time. So here's my attempt. Can't promise it'll last long. My laptop has long since died and i find blogging on my iPad frustrating. C'est le vie. I'll stop whining :) So what does my life look like lately? My baby is 9 months old. It's snowy and wintry outside. And I'm trying to eat healthy and workout more. Really no that different I suppose. If you're still around here reading, thanks! It's nice to have a friend or two. P.s. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to put photos on anymore. Tried googling and couldn’t find it either!

Worth The Wait

Two days after I wrote that last post I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! The labor went really well! And perhaps one day I'll write it out. As I type this she is asleep on my shoulder while I rock her.

She is perfect in every way and my heart could not be more full of love for her. For a long time I didn't think I would make a good mom. I've worried about being inadequate. I think I will probably always worry about that. But I'm realizing that's not always a bad thing; it means I'm conscious of it and always striving to do my best for her. In the past eleven weeks I've already made mistakes but I'm trying and learning! Before she arrived I wasn't worried about the taking care of a baby part. I thought   I had spent lots of time looking after various babies over the years. But this baby threw me for a loop!  Lots of what I thought I knew, or worked in the past for other babies, was true for her.

From breastfeeding jaundice, to not gaining weight fast enough, to discovering she has a lip tie and colic, and realizing she's a "catnap baby".... I've learned a lot and am slowly feeling like I'm figuring things out. Maybe.

The lack of sleep, tears (hers and mine), the not knowing what to do... it's all worth it and I wouldn't change a thing. We waited a long time for her and I can't imagine our life without her now. Every day I look at her and can't believe she exists and is ours to love.

So that's where you'll find me; in awe of my beautiful baby. I don't seem to have a lot I want to blog about consistently right now but I seem to have no problem over sharing on Instagram. You can find me on there as: carisle

Ready For It

If you read my last post from a while ago, you'd remember I've been trying to live a more grateful life. To see each day at its fullest and try to make the most of my experiences. It's been about a year of that and I'm happy to say I think it's been a success. I've been tying to make an effort to do more, see more, experience more; to embrace situations that put me outside my comfort zone.

I've wildlife watched

Enjoyed the garden and the outdoors

 

I've watched the northern lights, meteor showers, the sunrise and sunset

 

 

 I've taken trips with family and to see family (and got to hold a baby wallaby)

I got to babysit and get to know my niece, went to a concert, learned new skills like cookie decorating, ate all the ice cream (because life's too short not too!). and the list could go on... 

A couple weeks after my last post last summer, I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby. 

 I feel like all these experiences and efforts to live a more grateful life, has really helped me during this pregnancy. Being pregnant after a loss was very challenging most days for me. I was so aware that each day and week was a blessing. I tried to embrace the excitement but some days were filled with anxiety. 

We just had the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. Which also is days away from meeting our rainbow baby. The past week has had a lot of reflecting and I feel like this past year has helped me grow. Our life is about to change again and I feel like I'm ready for it.

Grateful For Life

Every now and then life decides to give you some insight on what it's all about. Particularly how uncontrollable and fragile it can be. Three months ago, in a matter of weeks, we had a miscarriage and lost our baby and we received news that my husband's father has cancer that for the majority of it is not operable. These experiences make you aware that life can end at any moment and there is relatively nothing you can do about it.

To say the days, weeks, and months after the miscarriage were unbearable would be an understatement. There aren't words to properly describe the heartbreak.

There are days where the grieving process is so strong I feel like I am just its puppet, without control of the strings. There are days where it's not so much on the surface and I can get through the day with it in the background of my every thought.

My husband and I spend a lot of time talking about everything. We came to the conclusion that we are faced with two choices. We can let our heartbreak and grief completely control us causing us to only feel that/bury it and feel nothing while living our days merely existing. Or we can experience the grief and experience life.

We decided to experience the grief and life; to feel the emotions and pain of grief without burying it. But to also give ourselves permission to experience other emotions and activities in our days.  We are making a point to experience everything more in an attempt to live fuller lives. Sure there are still going to be days and times where it's the sadness we are experiencing. But that is still an experience and it's not keeping us from leading fuller lives.

I've been trying to make it a point to slow down and notice things more; a plant, a bug, a cloud. To sit and watch the sunrise, sunset, lightning in a storm. To listen to the wind, or the rain.  To try new experiences that put me outside my comfort zone.

One activity we've found that's been bringing us comfort the past few months is going on walks and hiking. Hiking particularly challenges me and is always an experience. Whether it's the elements, my fitness level for the terrain, encountering wildlife, getting lost; I always come out of it feeling stronger and grateful for the experience.

That in a word sums up what we've been learning: gratitude. I don't mean I'm grateful for the miscarriage. NOT AT ALL. But I'm finding a gratitude for life.

Every hike I'm grateful:
-that my body is healthy and strong enough to do it.
-that I live somewhere with access to beautiful nature.
-that I can see, hear, and feel every experience on it.
-that I am having that experience with the people I love. That moment is something special that only we have.

This past weekend my husband, my brother, and I spent the day hiking. We went on three different trails that lead to waterfalls; each were unique in their own rights.

The first one we took off our shoes, rolled up our pants and crossed the water. The waterfall and rock cliffs made a private oasis that we left feeling refreshed and revigorated.

The second waterfall had a steep climb down to a ravine and left us surrounded by trees and cliffs to just experience the waterfall in front of us.

The third of the day we also walked across the water; this one we were able to walk behind and under it. There isn't much space behind it and we had to be careful of our footing, but all that made it feel like we were in the waterfall. Parts of it was falling on us and we could hear and see the power of the water flowing. It was an incredible experience that we left feeling alive.

While I'm sure there are many moments where I will find it difficult to be grateful; I will try to embrace the moments I am filled with gratitude and use them to help me to experience every aspect of life fuller. And to appreciate every day I'm given because it can be uncontrollable and fragile.

The One About Not Having A Birthday Crisis

In six months I turn 30 years old. I think some people who know me, are anticipating or thinking that I'm going to have some degree of a complex about the 3-0 milestone. Some people mention my upcoming birthday/impending age as if they should walk on egg shells... like I'm one comment away from having a break down about it. But I feel far from it; like I'm ready to be 30 and put the 20's behind me. I was starting to think there was something wrong because I wasn't more concerned about turning 30. I reminded myself of several reasons people dread the milestone:
-I'll be 30 and don't have children
-I'll be 30 and still not using my college education
-I'll be 30 and working to obtain my ideal body image
-and the list could go on...
But no identity crisis arose. Even after I found my first grey hair the other day, no copious amounts of chocolate cake and wine were consumed. I actually felt relieved. As if I obtained some rite of passage.

Now in the past, from my late teens to mid-twenties, I had identity crisis each year as my birthday approached. I think this happened because I previously had strong ideals of where my life would be at each point; and surprise, surprise, my life had turned out much different. Ergo... crisis. Thinking back, I can't say that I've really had an idea of where I would be or what I would be doing at thirty. I had micro-planned the beginning of my young adult life so much that I assumed by the time I was 30 life would just take care of itself and be perfect and I would be happy.

I'm not at all disappointed at where I am right now. That's been the biggest revelation I've made in the past year. "Perfection" and "happiness" are such relative terms. Their definition is formed according to the perception of the definer. I don't profess to have all the answers and have everything figured out. But I'm realizing that that's ok. I don't have to. And besides, I don't feel like 30 is that old. But ask me again in 6 months. Perhaps I'll be more worried by then.

Have you ever had a complex over a birthday? How did you deal with it?