Grateful For Life

Every now and then life decides to give you some insight on what it's all about. Particularly how uncontrollable and fragile it can be. Three months ago, in a matter of weeks, we had a miscarriage and lost our baby and we received news that my husband's father has cancer that for the majority of it is not operable. These experiences make you aware that life can end at any moment and there is relatively nothing you can do about it.

To say the days, weeks, and months after the miscarriage were unbearable would be an understatement. There aren't words to properly describe the heartbreak.

There are days where the grieving process is so strong I feel like I am just its puppet, without control of the strings. There are days where it's not so much on the surface and I can get through the day with it in the background of my every thought.

My husband and I spend a lot of time talking about everything. We came to the conclusion that we are faced with two choices. We can let our heartbreak and grief completely control us causing us to only feel that/bury it and feel nothing while living our days merely existing. Or we can experience the grief and experience life.

We decided to experience the grief and life; to feel the emotions and pain of grief without burying it. But to also give ourselves permission to experience other emotions and activities in our days.  We are making a point to experience everything more in an attempt to live fuller lives. Sure there are still going to be days and times where it's the sadness we are experiencing. But that is still an experience and it's not keeping us from leading fuller lives.

I've been trying to make it a point to slow down and notice things more; a plant, a bug, a cloud. To sit and watch the sunrise, sunset, lightning in a storm. To listen to the wind, or the rain.  To try new experiences that put me outside my comfort zone.

One activity we've found that's been bringing us comfort the past few months is going on walks and hiking. Hiking particularly challenges me and is always an experience. Whether it's the elements, my fitness level for the terrain, encountering wildlife, getting lost; I always come out of it feeling stronger and grateful for the experience.

That in a word sums up what we've been learning: gratitude. I don't mean I'm grateful for the miscarriage. NOT AT ALL. But I'm finding a gratitude for life.

Every hike I'm grateful:
-that my body is healthy and strong enough to do it.
-that I live somewhere with access to beautiful nature.
-that I can see, hear, and feel every experience on it.
-that I am having that experience with the people I love. That moment is something special that only we have.

This past weekend my husband, my brother, and I spent the day hiking. We went on three different trails that lead to waterfalls; each were unique in their own rights.

The first one we took off our shoes, rolled up our pants and crossed the water. The waterfall and rock cliffs made a private oasis that we left feeling refreshed and revigorated.

The second waterfall had a steep climb down to a ravine and left us surrounded by trees and cliffs to just experience the waterfall in front of us.

The third of the day we also walked across the water; this one we were able to walk behind and under it. There isn't much space behind it and we had to be careful of our footing, but all that made it feel like we were in the waterfall. Parts of it was falling on us and we could hear and see the power of the water flowing. It was an incredible experience that we left feeling alive.

While I'm sure there are many moments where I will find it difficult to be grateful; I will try to embrace the moments I am filled with gratitude and use them to help me to experience every aspect of life fuller. And to appreciate every day I'm given because it can be uncontrollable and fragile.